Notes on life, philosophy, and medicine

You know what happens when you "work" less, stay at home more, yes aside from the incredible ability to find the perfect novel and the perfect bingeworthy television show, it means you can pull your child away from the screen-sitter aka television especially if it is youtube (thank goodness we banned it except for "educational/instructional videos"  You get to be there for a neighbor when their cat needs sitting, or another neighbor when they need their packages picked up and house watered or to pick up their child on an odd scheduling day. It might mean you get to take care of your ailing parent.  It is not the responsibility of the government to find ways to pay for all of this, it may be the responsibility of the government to set the vision and help make it so that living is affordable enough SO WE CAN do what we need to do for our families and our communities...and robbing peter to pay paul might not be the answer. Just a thought. 

  Summer of 2011  A year after my dad passed away, I went in search of the me that belonged to my dad or for more parts of my dad that I never learned about. I went to Can Tho, Vietnam. I traveled on streets I imagined my dad had been on as a child; I asked to see him from life beyond. And there, the dragonflies descended and something inside of me said that this was for me. This was his way of telling me he wasn't very far away. So I carry his spirit on, through Pay What You Can Primary Care. From coping with the winds of change, to the steadiness of its presence, this dragon fly is a tribute to all who came before me and now works through me to offer healing. 

A bit tongue in cheek but I think 🤔 there is a genuine truth in this…Did the problem with our society start when we decided that some people don’t have to clean their own toilet bowl? We should all be able to that or at least know how. 

How does one find peace and joy in the midst of suffering or trouble?  Does the recognition and acceptance of trouble and suffering as a part of life allow it to be embraced?  In happy times and in sad/distraught times, still we can exert JOY?  These dichotomous ideas  Neither good nor bad  But it must be rooted in our ancestors, rooted in our connectedness and loving embrace of something bigger than ourselves, something that loves us infinitely and is stable without fail.  It must be acknowledged that it exists presently.  The sun that we breathe in and is a part of us as much as we a part of it, the water that flows through us not for our own selfish sake but for the sake of this greater being that is in us and moves through us. The ground beneath us that is solid.  This is our reckoning. This is what we must recognize...to hold within our hearts both the suffering and the joy.  We must trust that we can lay it down on solid ground and embrace the gift of our day.   

What does health look like? And how do we "get" healthy?  I became an osteopathic physician because I believe fundamentally in a body that was created with an inordinate amount of built-in healing mechanisms.  It is my job to help it along, to guide it when it has moved too far in one direction.  But it's not only my job, because healthy to me, looks like an entire community working together to enjoy, and to build on this life we were given.  And I believe we have spent the last couple of generations moving farther and farther away from our ability to do this for ourselves and for each other.  So, what do we do now?  Focus on food: how do we make it, where does it come from, how do we get it, how do we grow it? how do we cook it? where are all the herbs? FOOD IS MEDICINE.  Focus on community - the people involved from the farmer to the miller to the baker.  Focus on earth and all her many gifts. 

My mind is in a state of constant dull numbness, I can’t tell if I’m supposed to be asleep or awake; but I can’t seem to do either. There’s a rolling list of things to do and I’m not quite sure how or in what order to do them without losing the state of present mindfulness. Trying to work out the details of what happened in Viet Nam and how to clarify the questions I had hoped to answer about health and well-being and of being a service to others while understanding the roots of my past and present future…

I live in a world, relatively free from financial struggles, my home is tucked away, and I can see and unsee the world if I want to. I wonder how I got here. I miss the family I grew up with every day, but most especially when the family I have here, that I fell into, breaks me; or I let it break me. I don't know.  I think about our taxation system, our government, our "citizens," brothers and sisters spending nights on the streets, and I think how far we have gotten from one another. I wonder how we got here.  How the power we have to give of ourselves has been stripped or overpowered by this great darkness - to only do and exchange our gifts and talents for money. Perhaps it is because the government sees it is within their duty to take from one to give to another despite their neutral distance and what they think they see, blinds them to the embitterment they have created.  There is no power great enough to care for and teach every one of our children; that power comes

The movies and shows that made me: Patch Adams, Dangerous Minds, Pay It Forward, Boondocks Saints, & more recently, New Amsterdam, sprinkled with TGIF Boy Meets World and I can't quite remember the others, but I realized today that these are the shows that spoke to my soul. I didn't really get a handle on reading and comprehension until sometime in high school and I struggled in my undergraduate years.  Was it nature? Or nurture?  Why did those movies speak to me?  I've lost my train of thought, will have to try to pick this one up another day...  but excited to publish this little list, because I think out of this combination lies a part of me and my vision, and the work that lies ahead.  @chuckjamison, put in a good word for me with the guy upstairs, I'm doing my best here, but nowhere near as obediently as you! 

Ask me 10 years ago why I went into medicine…although not entirely different, I have a whole new regard for the role of physician in society, another level of humility in wanting to save a life, having lost so many.  And this renewed drive is driven in part by a Netflix series about the dreams of doctors (eg healthy foods in hospitals, no wait ER, offering a frequent flyer a home, finding a home for a lost and broken child though unconventional ways, standing up for our own health care needs, working as a team - all the good stuff) personified in the medical director of a large public hospital New Amsterdam!  So, @NewAmsterdam, thanks for the inspiration. Looking forward to the work still to be done. 

with little to no connection to its (our own) history and its roots  floating somewhere between present and this effervescent world created (social media)  pulled by the forces of those who have governed with limited foresight  who failed to recognize the forces of human nature  when left without accountability to the very land and people they are surrounded by  believing that some bureaucratic polity could right the wrongs  the ongoing taxation without representation  a policy too detached from one another  that the only winners are those who do the taking  prized is every individual  yet deprived of the dignity to work for his own fellow man  in the only way in which man feels purpose  for one another  these distant products  global forces  one surely must appreciate  but how to reign in  in the end only some idealistic geographic boundary  but a land always of many  voices to be heard and heeded  easy enough to only think of ONE  despite the many  when we live in a world without acc

This is it, the day and night I usually get to reflect on the year that has come and gone, and to look toward what lies just ahead. A set word to guide me, a quiet night just me, the dark of night and the twinkle of Christmas lights on our 3 foot Christmas tree… This one, is just a bit different. I’m under a knitted blanket in my sister’s entry room living space on her couch and Luna, our now 7 almost 8 month old puppy is at my feet. Our flight home 2 days ago from San Diego to Seattle was cancelled. And my mother’s flight from Raleigh to San Diego was cancelled.  While most of the country is under snow and ice in a historic winter storm, I’ve gotten to enjoy the warmth of Southern California’s sun.  But beyond all of that and the hub hub of commercialized Christmas - aka I’ve spent way too much - I got to see my son watch a Christmas movie and bake cookies for Santa with his cousins! And in less than 24 hours, I’ll get to spend this very special day with all of my siblings, which is s

I'm a physician; a family physician...I spend my days talking to patients about healthy lifestyle and healthy food choices. The food we choose is either helping our bodies or it is not BUT this is my blood sugar right now and it's climbing... And you know what I did when I saw this, I reached for the bag of cheesy puffs that my son left on the kitchen counter. FOREHEAD SLAP EMOJI. I've been having headaches, I feel tingles in my body, I'm bloated, uncomfortable, but I haven't stopped. We the one solitary human has been battling the machine of food industry - science of chemical combinations - and it's supposed to be on us to win?  Meh. Can I readjust my recent binge eating habits I call "holiday hibernation"? It's cold here. But seriously, I'm not too keen on feeling this way for too much longer. I did grab a piece of thanksgiving turkey leftover to try to slow the rise in my blood sugars. My point is with sugars going up as high as they do, I

Ah it was fantastic. The way one can write your soul and speak to you. The way a writer can detail the inner workings of someone’s mind even more than the person themselves. Mine is definitely not so astute; but this book just gave me all my wishy ideals in writing, all the romantic feels, all the deep knowing of a great love.  All the soundings of hopeful aspirations that inspire… I’m in my happy place after reading it. Thank you @BookLover 

It’s not the poetry The beauty with words The art and sounds  Poured out  It is the soul That speaks That unifies personhood Human, creature, life It is the sharing of stories That bind us Elevate us So we write But not until we hear A resonating voice Does the words  Put on paper Speak to us.  Share with me Your soul I invite you. 

After 2.5 years of shifting how we do medicine and finding health and healing in a period of unrest - I think we need even more power behind reimagining how we care for our patients; to collectively rethink how we offer that care and the kind of care we should be offering.  That said, we need to start with us. As physicians, to rediscover what it means to be a physician, serving our patients and not corporate policy or a fragmented health system. We need the space to discover what brings us deep satisfaction; To pursue a life and lifestyle that is commensurate with living out the healthy lifestyle we wish for our patients. This year, I made a major request of my employer, I asked to reduce my clinic hours even further, negotiating the opportunity to work from home to incorporate telehealth visits and to work on community-based projects that bring me joy but also, I believe undoubtedly will increase the health of my community.  With this increase flexibility, I feel an incredible weight

Wrapping a 4 day conference here in Washington, DC,  our Nation’s Capitol. It seems fitting to have a reunion of sorts in the birthing place of the US as we know it but of course, something else lurks beneath all this… That parallels something along the lines of what I heard an experienced colleague share, we are practicing “band aid medicine.”  Like the concrete streets that cover up Mother Earth and has taken us far from our roots is the money that goes around spinning us into a tizzy for its own sake and pulling us far from our passions and that which needs our love and care - earth, family, friends - and we ask why is our country in an epidemic of depression/anxiety. We answer it with yet another advertised medication, some need-to-be-consumed self help product, everything other than what we all could use - time to connect without the need to be dictated by a job, constrained by hours and money - but the machine we built up is too big to fail? We need not some curriculum to learn g

Rushing to get  Here ? Through turmoil and heartache  Misunderstood  Because If you would  No such pain ? So I miss the moments  Not fully alive Yet grateful because tonight  I can reflect And tomorrow I can try  Try again  I can hear you rustling now  Big yawn  And a sniffle I feel the warm air settle in the room  I can wish for the open air breeze and the Reflection of the stars And see the glimmer of the ocean I missed So when night falls And all is still  Not all is lost Next to me  Another soul breathes His own wishes and dreams  Not yet told Hopefully not lost  It must end  With joyful heart All is well  Because my fruit springs Not of this world  Where let downs are commonplace  When will I learn  Be still  Through and through  Be still Day and night Rest this weary soul  And find anew  Spirit rises  I will see daybreak  And smile for another chance  To get it right  I will settle quietly  Peacefully  Here

Woke up at midnight to the stirring of our new pack member - I have officially joined dog moms/dads in their incredible love for our four legged domesticated animals - it’s been fun with joyous gratitude the day she gave us a near solid 8 hrs; it is like having a child on speed dial. I’m thankful that her real dog mom and breeder cared for the first 8 weeks- I wonder what that was like… Anyway digressing, I’m listening to Sapiens by Yuval Harari and am now into the 2nd or 3rd hour and realize why it is a NYTimes best seller - such a revolutionary way of thinking and analyzing history of our human species and its “humanity.”  it sets the context for our complex dissatisfaction with the world as it stands today and how humans through micro changes over time have dug us without thoughtful consideration to a brighter future into a great big ditch - and finding our way back into the future is terribly challenging.  As for me and you here and now perhaps we can leave the world a little bette

Bora bora: At the first sight of sun light over mountaintops, what was once dark reveals the most ethereal blue hues and the signs of depth shines just below the surface which is not hidden if one cares to look. Within your body lies another world full of treasures and colors unbeknownst to just the passerby yet it was not meant for that, but rather to be uncovered and even explored. Your body is a reflection of all bodies. If we can listen, preserve then we can learn, cherish.

Over the last several weeks, I've been posting material I wrote in the months preceding, rather than put typed letters directly onto this old blog. So here I am, in all my glory and not, at 4:12am after fussing around, exploring the dark of night in my home and my withering mind.  Withered from hustle of days, lost in unconscious meanderings, un-fully appreciated in the present. The bright glare of the computer screen stares back against the blackness of this small room, hoping for magic. Magic to transform days passing to days living. To give this little life, ALL.  Take me as I am, embrace all my imperfections, because I want to shine.  ...