Notes on life, philosophy, and medicine

The movies and shows that made me: Patch Adams, Dangerous Minds, Pay It Forward, Boondocks Saints, & more recently, New Amsterdam, sprinkled with TGIF Boy Meets World and I can't quite remember the others, but I realized today that these are the shows that spoke to my soul. I didn't really get a handle on reading and comprehension until sometime in high school and I struggled in my undergraduate years.  Was it nature? Or nurture?  Why did those movies speak to me?  I've lost my train of thought, will have to try to pick this one up another day...  but excited to publish this little list, because I think out of this combination lies a part of me and my vision, and the work that lies ahead.  @chuckjamison, put in a good word for me with the guy upstairs, I'm doing my best here, but nowhere near as obediently as you! 

Ask me 10 years ago why I went into medicine…although not entirely different, I have a whole new regard for the role of physician in society, another level of humility in wanting to save a life, having lost so many.  And this renewed drive is driven in part by a Netflix series about the dreams of doctors (eg healthy foods in hospitals, no wait ER, offering a frequent flyer a home, finding a home for a lost and broken child though unconventional ways, standing up for our own health care needs, working as a team - all the good stuff) personified in the medical director of a large public hospital New Amsterdam!  So, @NewAmsterdam, thanks for the inspiration. Looking forward to the work still to be done. 

with little to no connection to its (our own) history and its roots  floating somewhere between present and this effervescent world created (social media)  pulled by the forces of those who have governed with limited foresight  who failed to recognize the forces of human nature  when left without accountability to the very land and people they are surrounded by  believing that some bureaucratic polity could right the wrongs  the ongoing taxation without representation  a policy too detached from one another  that the only winners are those who do the taking  prized is every individual  yet deprived of the dignity to work for his own fellow man  in the only way in which man feels purpose  for one another  these distant products  global forces  one surely must appreciate  but how to reign in  in the end only some idealistic geographic boundary  but a land always of many  voices to be heard and heeded  easy enough to only think of ONE  despite the many  when we live in a world without acc

This is it, the day and night I usually get to reflect on the year that has come and gone, and to look toward what lies just ahead. A set word to guide me, a quiet night just me, the dark of night and the twinkle of Christmas lights on our 3 foot Christmas tree… This one, is just a bit different. I’m under a knitted blanket in my sister’s entry room living space on her couch and Luna, our now 7 almost 8 month old puppy is at my feet. Our flight home 2 days ago from San Diego to Seattle was cancelled. And my mother’s flight from Raleigh to San Diego was cancelled.  While most of the country is under snow and ice in a historic winter storm, I’ve gotten to enjoy the warmth of Southern California’s sun.  But beyond all of that and the hub hub of commercialized Christmas - aka I’ve spent way too much - I got to see my son watch a Christmas movie and bake cookies for Santa with his cousins! And in less than 24 hours, I’ll get to spend this very special day with all of my siblings, which is s

I'm a physician; a family physician...I spend my days talking to patients about healthy lifestyle and healthy food choices. The food we choose is either helping our bodies or it is not BUT this is my blood sugar right now and it's climbing... And you know what I did when I saw this, I reached for the bag of cheesy puffs that my son left on the kitchen counter. FOREHEAD SLAP EMOJI. I've been having headaches, I feel tingles in my body, I'm bloated, uncomfortable, but I haven't stopped. We the one solitary human has been battling the machine of food industry - science of chemical combinations - and it's supposed to be on us to win?  Meh. Can I readjust my recent binge eating habits I call "holiday hibernation"? It's cold here. But seriously, I'm not too keen on feeling this way for too much longer. I did grab a piece of thanksgiving turkey leftover to try to slow the rise in my blood sugars. My point is with sugars going up as high as they do, I

Ah it was fantastic. The way one can write your soul and speak to you. The way a writer can detail the inner workings of someone’s mind even more than the person themselves. Mine is definitely not so astute; but this book just gave me all my wishy ideals in writing, all the romantic feels, all the deep knowing of a great love.  All the soundings of hopeful aspirations that inspire… I’m in my happy place after reading it. Thank you @BookLover 

It’s not the poetry The beauty with words The art and sounds  Poured out  It is the soul That speaks That unifies personhood Human, creature, life It is the sharing of stories That bind us Elevate us So we write But not until we hear A resonating voice Does the words  Put on paper Speak to us.  Share with me Your soul I invite you. 

After 2.5 years of shifting how we do medicine and finding health and healing in a period of unrest - I think we need even more power behind reimagining how we care for our patients; to collectively rethink how we offer that care and the kind of care we should be offering.  That said, we need to start with us. As physicians, to rediscover what it means to be a physician, serving our patients and not corporate policy or a fragmented health system. We need the space to discover what brings us deep satisfaction; To pursue a life and lifestyle that is commensurate with living out the healthy lifestyle we wish for our patients. This year, I made a major request of my employer, I asked to reduce my clinic hours even further, negotiating the opportunity to work from home to incorporate telehealth visits and to work on community-based projects that bring me joy but also, I believe undoubtedly will increase the health of my community.  With this increase flexibility, I feel an incredible weight

Wrapping a 4 day conference here in Washington, DC,  our Nation’s Capitol. It seems fitting to have a reunion of sorts in the birthing place of the US as we know it but of course, something else lurks beneath all this… That parallels something along the lines of what I heard an experienced colleague share, we are practicing “band aid medicine.”  Like the concrete streets that cover up Mother Earth and has taken us far from our roots is the money that goes around spinning us into a tizzy for its own sake and pulling us far from our passions and that which needs our love and care - earth, family, friends - and we ask why is our country in an epidemic of depression/anxiety. We answer it with yet another advertised medication, some need-to-be-consumed self help product, everything other than what we all could use - time to connect without the need to be dictated by a job, constrained by hours and money - but the machine we built up is too big to fail? We need not some curriculum to learn g

Rushing to get  Here ? Through turmoil and heartache  Misunderstood  Because If you would  No such pain ? So I miss the moments  Not fully alive Yet grateful because tonight  I can reflect And tomorrow I can try  Try again  I can hear you rustling now  Big yawn  And a sniffle I feel the warm air settle in the room  I can wish for the open air breeze and the Reflection of the stars And see the glimmer of the ocean I missed So when night falls And all is still  Not all is lost Next to me  Another soul breathes His own wishes and dreams  Not yet told Hopefully not lost  It must end  With joyful heart All is well  Because my fruit springs Not of this world  Where let downs are commonplace  When will I learn  Be still  Through and through  Be still Day and night Rest this weary soul  And find anew  Spirit rises  I will see daybreak  And smile for another chance  To get it right  I will settle quietly  Peacefully  Here

Woke up at midnight to the stirring of our new pack member - I have officially joined dog moms/dads in their incredible love for our four legged domesticated animals - it’s been fun with joyous gratitude the day she gave us a near solid 8 hrs; it is like having a child on speed dial. I’m thankful that her real dog mom and breeder cared for the first 8 weeks- I wonder what that was like… Anyway digressing, I’m listening to Sapiens by Yuval Harari and am now into the 2nd or 3rd hour and realize why it is a NYTimes best seller - such a revolutionary way of thinking and analyzing history of our human species and its “humanity.”  it sets the context for our complex dissatisfaction with the world as it stands today and how humans through micro changes over time have dug us without thoughtful consideration to a brighter future into a great big ditch - and finding our way back into the future is terribly challenging.  As for me and you here and now perhaps we can leave the world a little bette

Bora bora: At the first sight of sun light over mountaintops, what was once dark reveals the most ethereal blue hues and the signs of depth shines just below the surface which is not hidden if one cares to look. Within your body lies another world full of treasures and colors unbeknownst to just the passerby yet it was not meant for that, but rather to be uncovered and even explored. Your body is a reflection of all bodies. If we can listen, preserve then we can learn, cherish.

Over the last several weeks, I've been posting material I wrote in the months preceding, rather than put typed letters directly onto this old blog. So here I am, in all my glory and not, at 4:12am after fussing around, exploring the dark of night in my home and my withering mind.  Withered from hustle of days, lost in unconscious meanderings, un-fully appreciated in the present. The bright glare of the computer screen stares back against the blackness of this small room, hoping for magic. Magic to transform days passing to days living. To give this little life, ALL.  Take me as I am, embrace all my imperfections, because I want to shine.  ... 

Bora bora: At the first sight of sun light over mountaintops, what was once dark reveals the most ethereal blue hues and the signs of depth shines just below the surface which is not hidden if one cares to look. Within your body lies another world full of treasures and colors unbeknownst to just the passerby yet it was not meant for that, but rather to be uncovered and even explored. Your body is a reflection of all bodies. If we can listen, preserve then we can learn, cherish.

The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it” CS Lewis I found this incredible missing link to the work I do as a physician, a wannabe healer of my patients, and that is the work of understanding trauma, of how trauma can trap someone from the experience of life anew.  Even without trauma, a question of how to mindfully and presently live our lives is still a powerful and challenging one.  Top that off with the mind numbing,  haunted by automations of the brain, that entraps us to relive our worse moments and to be stalled by fright, how does one live presently?  The first part of that answer may be to accept our emotions - to  feel them and to label them - so that we can tell our story, grounding us enough to give us back our wings. 

Yes there are doctors, counselors, psychiatrist, psychologist, nurses, medical assistants, physical therapists et al...it's all good, sort of, but at the end of the day, what you need is your community.  You need your family and friends and neighbors to step in and step up. Since moving all over the world has become possible and our careers have taken us to all corners of the world, our family unit, our community unit is hard to find and with that comes the social isolation, the real illness of our society. If we want real health and healing...whole minds, bodies, souls...we need first to build on people's skills and talents within the community and  for the community .  Healing requires connection and relationship and makes room for creative engaged thoughtful minds that advance society. The REAL work and impact takes place with the people in our lives, our community, our neighbors, our friends. What I mean is that there is a barrier between the professional and the patient or

This one gets a spot on its blog post. "Breathing in I bring calm presence of mind, breathing out I smile this beautiful moment." - Viet philosopher and monk,  Thich Nhat Hanh (10/11/1926-1/22/22)

I spent the last 10 days moving cautiously around the house, mostly in my son’s bedroom to prevent my husband and son from getting Covid-19. The good and bad of it is I know exactly how I got a good dose of the virus - one day before my sister started showing symptoms she was loudly discussing her political view points from the driver’s seat as I cautiously found points I could agree with before mindfully trying to pull her from the edge of what I in part feel like is the cliff that falls into a worm hole of several conspiracies - not all without merit - but regardless of the topic - she was loud and spewed a fair amount of viral particles into an enclosed space and I took it having thrown some caution to the wind or at least made some subconscious choice that this moment or that one my child was having from the back seat several feet away with his beloved cousins was worth it and I didn’t really know because well they don’t believe in masking and how deadly covid could be was not enou

It was 8am, I stopped by the Fred Meyer's store to purchase a few items for my son's lunches this week. As I walked out of the store, I was greeted with a vast empty parking lot. That morning on my way to take my son to school, there was an equally sized empty building up for lease with another generous parking lot. As I drove home, pulling onto the I-5 south corridor was a much smaller space with tents and a large array of trash.  I have always had a fascination for the effective use of space, what I saw was that we had been building our nation not for humanity, but for large cars, and the next big thing that was going to peddled as the ideals of living.  Just like in medicine, towering hospitals, brand new clinic spaces, but long wait times and 5-minute encounters that don't leave you feeling healthier or stronger, or better...rarely anyway. I hear there are really incredible places of healing.  So, is time for a little revolution? How do we take back our health and empow

If only words or even pictures could describe - we thought our first morning in Papeete was serene and pleasant with a well manicured lawns and ample color from tropical flowers than onto a beach front bungalow that seemed like everyday could be as sweet with sun kissed rays along lush green mountain tops and stretches of turquoise beach but no, there is a yet more wonder and majesty as we stepped off the plane onto a narrow stretch of runway that is surrounded by an even clearer blue as the sun was near setting and we boarded our sunset cruise to our overwater bungalow greeted by the sounds of Tahitian drums and lightly draped by the filling warmth of the night sky that lifts all spirits into equanimity, pure blissful tranquility.  Here, I can only imagine is only a minor glimpse of heaven…if this small piece of our world and planet exist…what words, what sight have we to see and feel upon reaching heaven’s gate?  May we stand in awe and anticipation of what awaits. In utmost humility