May your path be filled with light

Living 37 years, it's only in hindsight that I am able to reflect on the choices I've made...
and watching my 7 year old grow up, seeing the pain that I can put him through...
how to be adult about THINGS when you are still figuring out what it looks like to be an adult, to make wise decisions and to not REACT. 

I tell him all I can about what I know about love and goodness hoping and praying that he can do what I say and not what I do... 

I pray for a tomorrow when I can do better. 

All I can try to do is leave the world a better place than when I came into it for him and his friends. 

So I'm rambling, what am I really wanting to say? I'm hurting all the time about the choices I've made, I've played out my past 100 times over and lived and relived it - yet seeing no different outcome - because here I am, and nothing can change that, but what's next? what can be changed? what choices do I make next that alter the course of my path and those around me? In all those years, I want to do is share it with my little man, so that he can become the man he is meant to be/in all of his glory with all of His love. 

Why do I feel "stuck"? Why must I feel this way? Is there another way to feel? What of the life my dad led before me? and my mom's? Surely now, I've lived through the age in which they made the decision to divorce, the decision to cheat, the decision to carry on, the fumblings of parenthood....the fumbling of life, that's what I'm feeling, rather than some thoughtful orchestrated mindful step into life, I have fumbled and yes, it's been beautiful and full of wonder, but in such fumbling, one finds far more bruises than is desirable and from the perspective of my creator, did he know this to be the series of events in my life...

Well father, what of it now, where is that next step? 

Ramble. Ramble. End train of thought. Insert next - Here's to you, on this day 6/20/21. Happy Father's Day. I've missed you dearly, wish you were here to protect my little broken heart because I know you would. Ah to know my Father/father's love. Am truly thankful for that. We all fumble. 


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