Not ready but gone

This last weekend, from what I can piece together, one of my patients went to bed early and didn't wake up. The community I serve is reeling from the lost of a strong, courageous, vocal, and beyond compassionate woman. I wonder if I could have done something, offered an intervention beyond what I did. I know at the end of this day, like all other days, I can only carry that knowledge with me to my next encounter. No amount of self battering or guilt will bring her back but I can honor the process by asking myself these questions as a way forward. We have to learn - from our past, we have an opportunity to grow and better ourselves and our understanding, and we must use it to create a brighter future. 

I do not believe the community in which I work in an exception, but I have been struggling to understand how horrific pain can be encountered and brushed under the rug to only be encountered again. Is it the compounding nature of tragedies that has befallen on this collective community that allows for the internal traumas to remain? Is it inward pain needing outward expression? Is it a reckoning that has only brought on the sad truth that nothing changes so one accepts the pain? 

Is it the collective voice that has been so shattered and scattered that we can only hear it if we really listen and no one wants to listen? 

Is it a failure to admit our own faults? Afraid to see how our own hands too, are crimson red? What saddens me most was when you came to me, in that sacred space between doctor and patient, and you shared your fears and you shared your desires - you said you had much more to do, you wanted another day and that you were not ready or rather that you were now ready to care for yourself...

So I ponder the question, could I have done more? What could I have done? I am afraid because I do believe if I could have offered your more precautions it may have altered the course...but no, I am not God. I cannot pretend to know but I will tell you this, I will continue to strive for better. I wish you peace. I wish for healing. I pray that honors you. 

You are missed dearly and I pray you are smiling down now, given all you have given and all you could have given, may we carry on the torch.